A 7.1 earthquake just struck San Luis Obispo. The roads are damaged. The food supplies are inaccessible. You’re a CSPA journalism student with nothing but a reporter’s notebook, a camera and the lanyard around your neck. What do you do?
I am going to tell you. You’re going to survive. And here’s how.
First, you’re going to need food, and fast. You’ll need a high protein meal in order to sustain many hours on a campus that has been torn to shreads by the biggest earthquake to strike San Luis Obispo county since the 6.5 earthquake that struck San Simeon in 2003. The problem? You have no way of getting food from any building on campus as they’ve been reduced to rubble by the earthquake and subsequent aftershocks.
You need to find a deer. Deer are high in protein and low in fat calorie content. Perfect for sustaining a journalist for long periods of time while on the hunt for a story. Ok, unfortunately I’m not going to tell you how to kill a deer. That’s not appropriate for this blog. What I can tell you is that you will likely find a deer who, unfortunately, has fallen victim to the destruction of the earthquake. Now, you’ll need to take that deer and (this is the gruesome part) skin it using the key from your lanyard. Done. See, that was easy.
Now, you have a plethora of meat available. You’ll need a fire. What I’m going to tell you next is going to be hard, but it’s important for survival. Throw your camera against the ground. I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous, but you’ll need that lens to start your fire before it gets dark. Taking the lens, and some crumpled up papers from your notebook, magnify the sun’s light onto the paper until it begins to smoke and eventually, catch fire. Gather some wood from fallen trees, crumpled desks, etc. and build a small fire over concrete in a well-ventilated area.
 Rosemary is a great way to spruce up any impromptu meal following a natural disaster. |
Next, go the journalism building. Outside the entrance to the building is a large rosemary bush. Grab several handfulls of rosemary and sprinkle it over your deer carcass. Place a large piece of metal roofing tin (from the new recreation center where it has fallen off) and place it over the fire. Place the deer on the tin for 3-4 hours, turning every hour. When it’s brown and crispy on the outside, it’s ready. Dinner, is served.
Now that you’ve eaten a delicious (and relatively nutritious) meal, you are ready to tell stories. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot of chance for telling them unless you find a computer. You’re going to want to find a laptop (I’d suggest going to your counselors, who, in a vicious conspiracy against the students, managed to persuade students not to bring their own computers). Of course, you’ll need to provide your counselors with food (of which you have plenty) and entertainment (I suggest practicing your River Dance routine) in order to persuade them to give you their laptop so you can publish your news of the earthquake. Then, people will read your story and, eventually, come to help save you and the rest of those stranded on campus.
So in the end, your stories will save everyone. Journalism’s finest purpose will be realized through your hard work. And isn’t that why we are all here?
Of course, in ending this post I must acknowledge that this is all hypothetical. And for the record, I do like deer.
 CSPA students prepare for how to cover a catastrophic earthquake by interviewing an earthquake "victim." |